F words

Sorry for the punny title (#sorrynotsorry) but I've just returned from a 5 hour drive to Kent and back, and I've been chewing a few things over in my mind!

Fear is something I've been well acquainted with for most of my life. I'd hazard a guess that my parents would have described me as an 'anxious child' on many an occasion. Panic attacks and 'phobias' were a fairly regular occurrence of bedtime and my thought processes from around age 9 or 10 until I was 20 or so. It didn't help that I am a perpetual and exceptionally prolific over-thinker: something I've learned about myself over time is that anxiety seems to be the consequence of not keeping my brain suitably occupied- it will turn on itself as it were and find anything at all to worry about: money, relationships, nuclear armageddon, Trump etc. Even as a committed Christian and fairly well 'adulting' young professional, anxiety has always been my Achille's heel- before presentations, performance management or even just robust conversations with colleagues I've often had to fight hard and long to avoid falling into the 'panic pit'.

The thing underpinning any of the fears relating to myself was usually either a fear of death or a fear of failure. Death took care of itself as my faith grew and I gained an understanding of where I believe I'm going... but the fear of failure in the here and now wasn't going anywhere, and was really affecting my life.
My fear of failure had actually served me quite well in my life so far: As and A*s at GCSE and A level, merits and distinctions in music exams, first class honours degree- unfortunately the material gains it gave me was always balanced  with the emotional pressure I was putting myself under.
I was perfectly functional and successful in my day to day life- getting promoted at work, leading ministries at church and blessed with a great friendship group- but ticking away under it all like a time bomb was my fear of failing at it- at my job, at being a friend, at leading.
My fear of failure was so extreme that at times it almost kept me in situations that were counterproductive, and nigh on dangerous (in terms of emotions and stress levels) as I refused to stop doing things and be labelled a 'failure'.
Then, last September, my entire life collapsed in on itself, or so it felt at the time. As the dust has settled, and the air has cleared, I realised my whole life didn't collapse- but one, key, central, load bearing pillar of it is no longer in place and as a result some serious restructuring has had to take place.
I had to face my fear. For one of the first times in my life- the worst had actually happened. It was over my head and outside my control but I had failed at something (in terms that something that had once worked now no longer did)- and the consequences were showing all over my life for the world and his dog to see.
But: (starting a paragraph with a conjunction. Uh oh  teacher fail!) My life didn't end. My friends didn't run. God was still God and He still loved me. My heart was still beating, my participants at work still needed me and slowly I realised that I was surviving this failure, and, as time moved on, not just surviving but thriving.

This in turn lead me into my 3rd F word! Freedom. Now I've conquered this fear of failure, I've never  felt so free. Now I don't feel the need to be great at things, there's so much more that I can enjoy trying and exploring without fear. Ceramics has been FULL of failures, (last week's best one was slicing straight through a plate that had been air-drying nicely for a week and was about to be fired). I'm relearning skills I haven't used since I was in school, playing more music, singing more songs, learning drums and signing up for crazy long walks (120km with a bestie in April) and mad running challenges (there's a half marathon in my future at some point this spring- still working out when!). I'm able to write honestly about how I feel (like I am doing here) because I'm not worried if the people reading this think I've failed or not. I feel like I'm finally beginning to understand what Jesus was talking about in John 10:10  "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." I have not been killed or destroyed- I am living my life and living it abundantly.
There are a few more 'F' words that are helping me;

The primary thing that has kept me walking through this season of rubble and dust is faith that this is not my destination: it's just a particularly messy and odd part of the journey. As a Christian, I believe that God's plans for me are good- and that what I'm currently walking is not what He planned or chose for me. However- He makes beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3) and I'm excited to see how  He can make something this messy beautiful!

I am not kidding when I say I have the BEST family and friends. They laugh with me, cry with me, run with me and eat with me on a weekly if not daily basis. They have hosted me, dragged my butt to therapy, prayed with me, encouraged me, read me the riot act when I'm down in the dumps and cheered my every step along this new path. Even if I never had another penny- I'd still be rich indeed from the amazing people I get to do life with! (Soppy burst over!)

When the anxiety rears it's head, a decent run or swim is always a great way to shut it back up. I'm a ridiculously slow runner (and swimmer)- so theoretically a 'failure' in that regard- but running and swimming is such a win for me I couldn't care less about how far or fast I go. Combined with my other 'fs', fitness is a key way for me to look after myself both physically and mentally.

So- I'm guessing none of these were the F words expected from the title! Living life free, vulnerable and honest about where I'm at is still a new thing for me- but here's to the journey! Onwards and upwards.

Self Care (Unforced Rhythms of Grace)

Sorry for another huge hiatus!
A lot has happened and changed in my world since I last blogged.
Man V Horse went well- and that's all I'm really willing to say about the past 6 months on a forum as  public as this: those of you who know me in real life may know more, those who don't, don't need to worry about it!

Anyway, in honour of Talk for Change day today, I thought it was time to come out of my self-imposed blogging pause and talk about something I've been learning a LOT about in the past 6 months: self care.

Now, ironically, this has formed a big part of my work in the past 18 months, I work with my trainees a lot around managing their own well being for resilience, handling stress effectively and achieving a strong work life balance.

However,  I've never been good at practicing what I preach, and lived most of the past 10 years or so at approx 110 miles an hour, flooring it from when I woke up in the morning (often around 5.45) until I fell back into bed around 11,often working at 2 jobs in the course of a day.

Circumstances last autumn caused me to stop, reassess my life, and make some radical changes in how I viewed and looked after  myself.

Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

I realised that I needed to take the 'real rest' described  in Matthew 11. I was great at showing grace  to others, but absolutely terrible at showing it to myself. I was my own task master, critic and worst enemy- and I needed to learn to live 'freely and lightly' as Jesus describes here. I ended up in therapy with a great therapist, and her refrain for the first few months was 'Sarah, you need to be your own best friend!'

Well,  I was clueless about how to do that- so in the hope that it helps someone else- here's how I've gone about re-organising and restructuring my life to ensure  that I am living these 'unforced rhythms of grace' and loving myself as well as I aim to love others!
In my head, I've split what I do into caring for myself Mind, Body and Spirit. Obviously some of my activities help with more than one but hey, we've got to start somewhere and a badly organised blog is better than no blog at all!

Mind:
1) Therapy. Everyone should go to therapy! I have the most wonderful, Christian Gestalt therapist. She is a hard taskmaster but a great woman and she has been of tremendous help of late.

2) Morning Pages. I can't do mindfulness- I think too much! Seriously- it's not for lack of trying. Enter morning pages. 3 pages of A4, longhand, every morning by hand. Sounds crazy right! Well, in 4 months of practicing morning pages I've discovered that there is no bad day or gloom you wake up in that can't be at least processed, understood or somehow helped by 3 sides of writing. It clears my mind, centres my thinking, clears the way for my creativity and gets me ready for the day. I never would have dreamed I'd be able to find 30 mins (ish) per morning to do this- but now wouldn't be without it! Don't knock it til you've tried it.

3) Making. Ceramics, crochet, sewing, reupholstery, writing- you name it, I'm happier if I'm making it. Taking time to keep a scrapbook, record ideas and projects as they come to me, and leaving enough space in my schedule to go to ceramics once a week and get some making done at the weekend definitely keeps me balanced.

some of this course's ceramics

4)  Treacle. Yep-officially a mad cat lady! Just a little 'chat' and cuddle with this naughty one is enough to put a smile on my face.

Body:
1) Exercise. On a bad day, even just a walk will do! Ideally, running/swimming/lifting weights is something I really enjoy. A decent long run outside with my girlies can put the world to rights! Call it endorphins, but the world really is a better place once you've been for a good run!

2) Face care. I've used simple facewipes for years, but decided it was time to show my skin some love. I now have a lovely, organic, pampering face care routine from Liz Earle- it's like a little treat to myself each time I do my face morning and evening. I especially love their night time oil- smells divine!

3) Night time tea. This one in particular. A cupful whilst I do my devotionals is always a good start to a decent nights sleep

4) Socks. Silly I know, but a soft, cuddly pair of bedsocks is an utter winner for making me feel all cosy and relaxed! I've got quite the collection!

5) Vegetables. When I plan what  I eat, and make sure that most of each meal is veg, I feel way better in myself. Also, I'm one of those odd people who genuinely just loves vegetables! Any veg, any way- delicious.

Spirit:
Last but most definitely the most important! How can I go about resting and caring for my spirit?

1) Prioritising my devotional time. In previous attacks of depression and/or anxiety, this has been one of the very first things to go. This time round, that wasn't an option! I've moved my devo time to the evening (never been a great morning person!). I read the HTB bible in a year on the bible app, you can get it here. I like that the devotionals are a really good length and can point things out to me that I'd not notice for myself, especially on a down or stressed day.

2) Journalling. My evening journalling is also super-important 'Sarah and God' time to process everything that's happened that day. I always write down 3 things I'm thankful for, to try and keep some perspective on life! Reading back through my journal is a great way to see how far I've come and how much good is in my life, even if it doesn't always feel that way!

3) Words- particularly scripture but also poetry and great quotes. Words have always been my love language, so I've put key thoughts and verses in different places around the house to keep me positive and plugged in! I found a lot of these on pinterest.

Postcards and Words around the house

4) Worship: Playing piano,singing, listening to music are all a great way to calm my soul and focus on God and His goodness- whatever my day is like.

5) Community. My friends rock my world. Whether it's meeting weekly at 7am for a bible study and prayer time, or hanging out watching amazon prime or the Christmas 24 channel- my friends have lifted me up, cried with me and loved on me incredibly over the past few months. It's been a journey to get vulnerable enough with them to hang out even when I'm just napping in the corner, or feeling poop. I find my strength in my community and I wouldn't be without them. (Same goes for my wonderful family but they're further away for napping purposes)

6) Church- sounds simple, but it isn't! On a bad day I know well how tempting it is to hide in the house and not go anywhere. A massive part of caring for myself is forcing myself to get out and mingle with other people who love me, care for me and are praying for me. My church have been truly like family to me in the last few months- I LOVE them!

So there you have it- a little glimpse into how I look after myself and keep my mental health and well being a priority! None of the above are non-negotiable- of course I have days where I do few/none of them, but as principles for how I can better steward myself- as part of God's amazing creation- they are pretty good for the time being!