F words

Sorry for the punny title (#sorrynotsorry) but I've just returned from a 5 hour drive to Kent and back, and I've been chewing a few things over in my mind!

Fear is something I've been well acquainted with for most of my life. I'd hazard a guess that my parents would have described me as an 'anxious child' on many an occasion. Panic attacks and 'phobias' were a fairly regular occurrence of bedtime and my thought processes from around age 9 or 10 until I was 20 or so. It didn't help that I am a perpetual and exceptionally prolific over-thinker: something I've learned about myself over time is that anxiety seems to be the consequence of not keeping my brain suitably occupied- it will turn on itself as it were and find anything at all to worry about: money, relationships, nuclear armageddon, Trump etc. Even as a committed Christian and fairly well 'adulting' young professional, anxiety has always been my Achille's heel- before presentations, performance management or even just robust conversations with colleagues I've often had to fight hard and long to avoid falling into the 'panic pit'.

The thing underpinning any of the fears relating to myself was usually either a fear of death or a fear of failure. Death took care of itself as my faith grew and I gained an understanding of where I believe I'm going... but the fear of failure in the here and now wasn't going anywhere, and was really affecting my life.
My fear of failure had actually served me quite well in my life so far: As and A*s at GCSE and A level, merits and distinctions in music exams, first class honours degree- unfortunately the material gains it gave me was always balanced  with the emotional pressure I was putting myself under.
I was perfectly functional and successful in my day to day life- getting promoted at work, leading ministries at church and blessed with a great friendship group- but ticking away under it all like a time bomb was my fear of failing at it- at my job, at being a friend, at leading.
My fear of failure was so extreme that at times it almost kept me in situations that were counterproductive, and nigh on dangerous (in terms of emotions and stress levels) as I refused to stop doing things and be labelled a 'failure'.
Then, last September, my entire life collapsed in on itself, or so it felt at the time. As the dust has settled, and the air has cleared, I realised my whole life didn't collapse- but one, key, central, load bearing pillar of it is no longer in place and as a result some serious restructuring has had to take place.
I had to face my fear. For one of the first times in my life- the worst had actually happened. It was over my head and outside my control but I had failed at something (in terms that something that had once worked now no longer did)- and the consequences were showing all over my life for the world and his dog to see.
But: (starting a paragraph with a conjunction. Uh oh  teacher fail!) My life didn't end. My friends didn't run. God was still God and He still loved me. My heart was still beating, my participants at work still needed me and slowly I realised that I was surviving this failure, and, as time moved on, not just surviving but thriving.

This in turn lead me into my 3rd F word! Freedom. Now I've conquered this fear of failure, I've never  felt so free. Now I don't feel the need to be great at things, there's so much more that I can enjoy trying and exploring without fear. Ceramics has been FULL of failures, (last week's best one was slicing straight through a plate that had been air-drying nicely for a week and was about to be fired). I'm relearning skills I haven't used since I was in school, playing more music, singing more songs, learning drums and signing up for crazy long walks (120km with a bestie in April) and mad running challenges (there's a half marathon in my future at some point this spring- still working out when!). I'm able to write honestly about how I feel (like I am doing here) because I'm not worried if the people reading this think I've failed or not. I feel like I'm finally beginning to understand what Jesus was talking about in John 10:10  "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." I have not been killed or destroyed- I am living my life and living it abundantly.
There are a few more 'F' words that are helping me;

The primary thing that has kept me walking through this season of rubble and dust is faith that this is not my destination: it's just a particularly messy and odd part of the journey. As a Christian, I believe that God's plans for me are good- and that what I'm currently walking is not what He planned or chose for me. However- He makes beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3) and I'm excited to see how  He can make something this messy beautiful!

I am not kidding when I say I have the BEST family and friends. They laugh with me, cry with me, run with me and eat with me on a weekly if not daily basis. They have hosted me, dragged my butt to therapy, prayed with me, encouraged me, read me the riot act when I'm down in the dumps and cheered my every step along this new path. Even if I never had another penny- I'd still be rich indeed from the amazing people I get to do life with! (Soppy burst over!)

When the anxiety rears it's head, a decent run or swim is always a great way to shut it back up. I'm a ridiculously slow runner (and swimmer)- so theoretically a 'failure' in that regard- but running and swimming is such a win for me I couldn't care less about how far or fast I go. Combined with my other 'fs', fitness is a key way for me to look after myself both physically and mentally.

So- I'm guessing none of these were the F words expected from the title! Living life free, vulnerable and honest about where I'm at is still a new thing for me- but here's to the journey! Onwards and upwards.